Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
