apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
