when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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