I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
