Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
