Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
