If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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