WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
