i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My vagina just clenched in fear
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