i think i have herpe
just one?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
