I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
