dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Too much gin, very little bucket
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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