i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
