My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
