so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize