I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
