He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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