you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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