He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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