you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
