I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
