walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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