"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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