If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
