A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
