return my video game
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
