First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
