2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
