So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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