pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
