I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
did you just send me my own nude
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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