Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
