Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
