I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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