I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Umm I'm too high to move.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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