I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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