census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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