you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
