Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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