I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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