Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
