I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
