I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
