I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
