Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
