when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
