I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
