Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize