I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
