No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
