Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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