I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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