Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
