I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
