i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
We smell like vodka and hangover
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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