The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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