I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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