If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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