her vagina looked like bernie madoff
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
