Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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