I'm lost and stupid without you.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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